Before I came out, I always searched for a reason why.
Why was I like this, why did I have to deal with this.
Why did I feel this way about her,
around her, with her, in her presence,
not in her presence and everywhere all at once.
It wasn’t fair or right or justified.
It just was.
This month, I’ve been reflecting more and more on my years prior to coming out and during the process. I’ve been out for almost 3 years now since first accepting myself and here’s a snippet of words regarding why.
If you have these types of feelings or relate to this in any way, shape or form –
I am here, I relate, I see you & I hear you.
digital edit by me, original photography by Gregory Poulos.
There is a reason why.
There is a reason why
words spray frivolously from the tips of your fingers when the topic comes up.
Why she is all you can think about while painting.
When you see something online or on TV and it lights a fire in the pit of your stomach igniting words
that fail to leave your mouth and end up burning ashes into the tip of your tongue.
So you sit silently and politely, head full of smoke
like a vessel waiting to explode due to the pressure of constant suppression.
There is a reason why
you feel differently
when you look out the window or up at the sky,
longing for something more.
Listening to a song and biting onto every word that resonates –
That describes how you feel about her.
There is a reason why
the thoughts of “it” wake you from sleep
as soon as you close your eyes.
Or worse… when it is the first thing on your mind at the start of the day
as you glare at the shadow reflecting back at you in the mirror shamefully.
”Here’s the start of another beautiful, wondrous day walking about as a zombie would… here we go again.”
There is a reason why
you reach for your phone and your heart drops when you see her name.
Why you look forward to every single moment with her, even the most simple.
Why you undermine your true feelings and deem them unworthy because of your gender.
”She will never feel like this about me for; I’m only a girl and that’s already too much.”
There is a reason why
you are envious of how simple it looks
for the guys at the bar.
Strong and smooth like Don Julio Tequila,
stinging the back of your throat
making your eyes fall hazy.
”I need another shot.”
There is a reason why
you can’t describe
how her name sends a ringing down your spine and an aching in your chest.
Your veins pulse and your body responds,
Trying to calm itself in doses,
Repeatedly attempting to tranquilize itself –
Except the needle is her.
”Numb this part of me whole so I don’t have to feel your electric pulses.”
But you forever remind yourself there is a reason why.
How she felt like home and a cozy
sanctuary to let your words rest inside
- in one second -
and then a cold, barren, shipwrecked version of hell the next.
A place you wouldn’t dare set down a word to rest
without the ground breaking below you
sending you deeper into nothingness.
There is a reason why
You will never dilute yourself and your truth
for her benefit.
You will never stop
feeling these emotions and letting them consume you entirely
even the ones that leave you feeling disheveled and swallowed whole.
Watching thoughts of her bubble in your head
The best of the best,
The worst of the worst,
Blinking into and out of your consciousness.
Highlighting the moments that took your breath away
and the ones you’d rather not say.
All of these emotions
Reaching the top of your brain
then disappearing into mid-air.
While you finally surrender to the fact
That you are worthy &
It’s okay to feel this way.
There is reason why
even in the midst of her chaos,
You can still find the calm
within yourself.
There is a reason why
you chose to love yourself first.