10 years ago, I was 13.
I was in eighth grade.
I was nervous about who I was sitting next to at the lunch table, who my ‘best friends’ were, which Hollister t-shirt that I would wear the next day and how my hair looked (which clearly wasn’t considered in the photo above.)
I asked my mom why she let me leave the house that morning on picture day; to which she shrugged and replied: “you thought it looked good.”Fair enough.
Thanks mom.
I wanted to re-take that photo. I’m glad that I didn’t.
Back then, I didn’t know where I was going.
Today, I guess I still don’t.
I suppose some things don’t change.
With that being said, it’s fair to say that I do believe that I have it a little more figured out.
I learned a thing or two over a 10-year span.
To that young girl with the braces,
1) Your friends will change, you will grow with and away from people.
It’s not something to be afraid of, just live your life. Go with the natural flow. You will get into arguments and sometimes it might even be your fault. In that case, apologize, say sorry, and if it can’t be reconciled, try your best to forgive. For; it takes more energy to hold onto things. Circumstances will change, you will feel scared of the unknown. You will graduate and go to college (or you will pursue something different.) You’ll meet people who you didn’t like at first, and they’ll end up becoming your close circle. The ones that you confide in and share simple stories with. Your wins, your doubts, your upsets. Cherish these people, they are your lifeline.
Stop worrying about first impressions so much, don’t judge right away. People may surprise you.
2) You’ll get your heart broken [even by those who don’t love you back.]
This was a big one. I don’t care who you are attracted to, but once the feelings are there, it’s hard to turn back. For me: don’t worry that you don’t have a boyfriend yet or why you don’t (you’ll figure that out later.) You have the right to feel those butterflies that are pounding away in your chest and why you feel dizzy around that person. Why you wait all day to catch a glimpse of them in the hallway at their locker. Or later, being captivated by the woman who seems to drip gold with each step that she takes. You may fall for people you cant have, and that’s okay, just know that your worth is not defined by whether or not they want you back.
“…or worse, they might not even be aware that you love them.”
Remember that you are human. The feelings that you have are valid. Keep loving her anyway.
3) You’ll fail sometimes.
Yep, this one is a given. Whether it’s losing the regional championship basketball game, not getting asked to Homecoming, or failing that test. You’ll fail and fail again. Your failures help you to grow. Yea, it sucks sometimes. Your coaches, friends, and family will be there for you. But at the end of the day, when your head hits the pillow, it’s you and you.
Your thoughts scream out and your truths keep you awake. Listen to them; for you know yourself best.
4) Put down the drink, it’s okay to say no.
Your passion is within you.
If you stay in on a Saturday night to paint and don’t feel like going out – it’s okay. You’re not missing out by not going to the bonfire and drinking the beer that you won’t like the taste of to impress so-and-so. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You’ll spend time developing your craft, and unbeknownst to you, you’ll be unravelling your identity within the artwork.
Yes, that seascape that you painted for the first time in your room that you ended up throwing out that night in frustration, may seem like pointless effort. And your sketches and doodles. There’s smudges and eraser marks on the surface, but please don’t stop drawing. In fact, turn the page, grab another sheet of paper and prime a new canvas.
one of my first seascape acrylic paintings.
And I know you’re stressed about basketball. You’re worn-out, your body is sore, your legs are aching from practicing six days a week. There’s homework due. You feel afraid that you’re not going to get the right basketball scholarship, make the right decision for your future. But, take a deep breath. It’ll come. Keep practicing, keep working and believing in yourself. Magically, the opportunity always seems to present itself.
5) Take care of yourself.
Yes, eat the kale. Do the yoga, go to spin class, lift the weights. Eat your fruits and vegetables and don’t forget to hydrate throughout the day. But even more than that, take care of your mind.
Sit still. Become aware of what you’re thinking about. Put down your phone for a second. Nobody really cares whether or not you like that picture or if you see their new post.
Keep a filter on what you see on Instagram. Don’t bog yourself down with comparisons, it will only lead to further procrastination.
In short, meditate on it. Feed your brain with new knowledge and differing perspectives. Have people challenge you. Be open to being uncomfortable when people ask you questions.
We’re all just trying our best to figure it out.
This will lead you on your path.
I’m sure of it.
6) Stop what you’re doing. Go watch that sunset.
diary excerpt; c. 2010.
Listen to your gut. You’re right on time.
Move to the ocean. Try something new. Quit your job. Take that serving job. Start diving into subconscious work. You are on the path you’re meant to walk and please don’t stop walking.
Make time for the things that are important to you.
Feel the sand under your feet and let the warmth of the ocean chill the tips of your toes and heat you to your core.
Maybe you knew where you’d end up all along. An excerpt from one of my first diaries above. Interestingly, I think that my younger self shared a bit more pure wisdom and energy. It seems to be quite true: aren’t we all seeking a life that feels like a vacation?
And lastly, I would thank my Mom:
for letting me leave the house that morning, for watching me walk out the front door proudly with my side bangs and straightened hair — for letting me be me. For letting me make decisions for myself that were good, and some that were bad [the stuff that I don’t always tell you.] But, it’s always your voice in the back of my head reasoning with me.
For, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have become the woman that I am today [and am still in the process of becoming…]
…and finally,
a message from my younger self:
“Maybe you’re a little too optimistic.
Maybe you do believe in dreams, happy rainbows, and falling in love.
Eraser marks and smudges.
You may feel that you’re not quite where you want to be yet, and that’s okay.But, please, on whatever circumstance, do not pop your own bubble; for that power is [and forever will be] ours alone.”
Photography by: Gregory Poulos